Confessions of a teenage BRONY

            Now some of you fine looking readers out there may be a bit confused by the vocabulary in the title. To clear things up: a Brony (pronounced Bro-nee) is a viewer of the My Little Pony cartoon who is (generally) above the age of the targeted audience and is not afraid to admit it. Before, this term had only referred to the male viewers of the show (the term Pegasis, a combination of the words Pegasus and Sister, was used to describe the female demographic) but the term has since come to encompass the masses of My Little Pony viewers, regardless of gender. The term is a lot like treker or trekie or whatever is used to refer to people who watch Star Trek.

Now for those of you who have just realized a male is writing this, you may be feeling some confusion (and in some cases vomiting, dizziness and explosive diarrhea). Yes, it’s true, I watch My Little Pony and yes I like every episode. So what’s the big deal? That’s what I thought when I first told people about my obsessi- I mean interests. Seriously, what’s wrong with a teenage dude watching a show for little girls? Is it not “macho” enough? Am I supposed to watch “acceptable” shows for my age group and gender, like True Blood and The Colbert Report? I think if people actually watched the show, their opinions might change (okay not really, but they can’t judge me anymore if they watch it too right?). The point is; I don’t feel that I should be judged because I watch the show. But that’s not why I’m writing this. No, I’m writing this to put my love for all things hoofed and magical on paper…err…internets.

My Little Pony is a show about six ponies and their adventures through the magical land of Equestria. Each episode they discover something about friendship, like “friends can’t be bought with money” or “real friends like you for who you are” or “friendship is a magic superpower strong enough to kill dragons”. Each episode is filled with enough sugar, spice and everything nice to make the Spice Girls look like Slipknot which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a show MADE for little girls but I don’t find the cutesy animation and overuse of the term “everypony” that annoying. In fact, I’ve come to like it. I think the reason I like it so much is that it’s self aware and it shows it subtly. For little girls, things like Dr. Whooves and Derpy the Pony might just be some background characters, but for people like me, it’s like a silent nod as if to say “yeah, we know YOU’RE watching too”. They also constantly abuse the 4^th wall, which I absolutely love. Again, probably not something a kid might find too interesting but definitely something I enjoy seeing.

So there you have it; my experiences as a Brony. You’ve heard what I like about the show and I tried to give enough information without sounding like a complete Pony-maniac. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must watch Twilight Sparkle throw Pinkie Pie a birthday Party in Ponyville. 

The most boring, generic bucket list EVER

By: Jon Caytap

1. Climb Mt. Everest
2. Write/produce/direct an epic movie starring all the actors in Hollywood (ALL of them)
3. bungee jump
4. jump out of a plane
5. visit every country on earth
6. wrestle a lion or a tiger bear a or an alligator or a mutant combination of the four or a dragon
7. swim in a pool of money
8. swim in a pool of liquid gold
9. swim in a pool of gold money
10. ride a zamboni
11. drive a zamboni
12. Ride on the back of an exotic animal in its natural habitat
13. Become better than Jack Atkinson at Soccer
14. Become better than Matt Barrett at Hockey
15. Become better than Michael Politis at Guitar
16. Become Better than Ms. Cat at writing
17. Become better than Riehl at…whatever he does
18. Work as a mall santa
19. Complete everything on this list twice
20. Make a new one

What would Jesus Do?

            Before I begin, I would like to ask the readers to please put some thought into the answer to this particular question. I am hoping for the utmost honesty when it comes to your answers and that you won’t just answer impulsively. Thank you.

            You are in the middle of downtown Toronto with your family Christmas shopping. You visit a sunglass hut to browse with your parents when suddenly aliens appear from the sky and start destroying everything outside. Buildings are falling apart, explosions are going off and chaos has erupted outside. You regain your focus as the store you are in begins to collapse and notice your parents at the back door exit. Debris is falling all around you and it seems the exit will not be open for much longer. They are calling to you as the aliens land their ships and head towards the store. You turn to go to join your family when out of the corner of your eye you notice a man trapped by fallen debris. You realize that you recognize the man; it’s Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto! As you realize this you notice your family frantically calling out to you as more debris continues to fall and block the exit and the aliens are upon you; you must act now. What do you do? Do you take a pair of Aviators or Wayfarers?

Choose your own adventure: Option B

           You can’t take it any more. You tell you’re parents you don’t know what’s going on, who they are, why you’ve forgotten and what to do now. Your parents share a brief look and say that they’re not falling for it again. Apparently, you’ve tried this before. You explain that you seriously don’t know anything and that you’ve forgotten everything. Your mother yells at you to eat your breakfast. At first you’re shocked, you can’t believe what’s happening and that they won’t believe you. It is here you realize that the food in your plate spells something, a message: PLAY ALONG. You ask your parents what the message means. As the words escape your lips, the windows and doors to your house explode and several men clad in plastic armor and armed with scary looking guns flood the kitchen. You parents take evasive maneuvers and evade the invaders. Your mother grabs you and your sister and run to the living room while your father holds off the men with a semi-auto minigun he pulls from his pants. Your head is racing as you try to figure out what exactly is going on here. Your mother drops you and your sister off in the living room and approaches the bookcase. Your sister is crying indicating she’s just as lost as you are. Your mother pulls a random book out from the case activating a lever which opens a secret passageway under the house. She tells you to go in and take care of your sister and then breaks a window to escape. She says she’ll try to divert the men away from the house, giving you enough time to escape. You want to ask her more questions, the same questions which have been filling your head, but you never get the chance. You hear your father scream in the kitchen and before you even know what’s going on, your body reacts by grabbing your sister and going down the passageway. That is the last you will see of your parents.

            You come to in a dark cave with your sister beside you, out like a light. You look around trying to figure out where you are. You don’t know what to do now that you’re here and you certainly don’t know how you’re going to get out of this mess. Suddenly, the cave illuminates with light and two more pathways are presented in front of you. At the end of one of them is a light, the other, black as night. What do you do?

            E) Cave number 1, the light at the end of the tunnel may represent an exit and a
                 way out.

            F) Cave number 2, the tunnel seems to lead deeper into the caverns beneath your
                 house. You are determined to find out what’s going on.

Choose your own adventure: Option A

           You decide to play along. Your fear of enacting the wrath of your mother somehow scares you more than the amnesia that has come upon you. You eat your breakfast with the speed and precision of a thousand archers and get up to go to school. Your mother gives you your bag and you jump into your father’s car. Your father drops off your sister first and proceeds to bring you to the front of your school. You look outside: East York Collegiate. Before he drops you off, your father gives you some lunch money. You question why as you brought your wallet but some extra cash never hurt anyone. You proceed to enter your school.

Its halls seem small for a high school. As you’re admiring the architecture of the building, you hear a voice call out to you. You turn around and see a boy about your height with short black hair wearing a dark blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He seems to know you and apparently, you know him.  HE asks if you could lend him five dollars and that he’ll pay you back later. Somehow, you doubt that but you give him the money anyways; the bill your father gave you. You both part ways until he calls out to you again. He asks what’s going on and hands you back the bill. You hadn’t noticed it before, but there was writing on the bill. It spells out “RUN” in big black letters. Suddenly, the door behind you blows open and several big men clad in plastic armor and armed with scary looking guns flood the room. They knock your friend out and tell you to get on the ground. You don’t know why they are doing this, why they knocked your friend out and not you and why RUN was spelt out on the money. What do you do?

C) You try to fight your way out. Despite the fact you are clearly outnumbered,
                  you convince yourself you can take them.

D) You co-operate. You hope to find out what exactly is going on and why it’s
                  happening to you.

Choose your own adventure: BEGNINNING

           It’s Monday morning, 8:45. You don’t know why, but you feel like you should be doing something right now. That’s not the only thing you don’t know. “Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here?” are all questions which fill your head. A voice calls out from downstairs, its tone laced with venom, telling you you’re going to be late. The voice sounds familiar, but you can’t pin point where you’ve heard it from. A woman barges into the room, the voice that has been calling you from downstairs seems to belong to her, but it’s much louder when you hear it in person. She tells you that you’ve got fifteen minutes to be at school. More questions begin to fill your head: “Is this where I live? Where is my school? Why is she so crabby?”. You ignore the questions for now and decide to dress up; you play along out of fear of being eaten alive by the woman who just yelled at you. You reach for whatever works for you from the closet and head downstairs.

There you meet two other people: a man, medium build, dark brown hair, dressed in business attire and a young girl, about two years younger than yourself, short, brown hair in pigtails, both are seated at the breakfast table. Here, you conclude two things: a) these people are most likely your family members; the man and the woman your parents, the girl your sister. b) You’re gonna be late for school. More questions fill your head; “Why can’t I remember? Do I tell them I can’t remember a thing? How am I gonna get to school, I don’t know where that is!?”. You sit at the breakfast table with them while your mom places a plate in front of you; bacon and eggs. The formation of the food perplexes you, they seem to be in some formation, but you can’t make it out. The father tells you to eat up so he can drive you and your sister to school, your sister tells you to not make her late. What do you do?

A)    You continue playing along, try to find out what happened without alarming your parents.

B)     You tell them you can’t remember a thing. You don’t know who they are, why you’re like this and how it happened.

Tarrot Card: Two of Wands-The Movie

PLOT

The servant of the ruler of a far away land must travel across said far away land in search of two wands to save her kingdom. Her kingdom is suffering from some black magic disease and only the magic of the wands can save her people.

She travels to several zones within the far away land including the spooky swamp, the creepy caves, the freaky forest, the mysterious mountains, the terrifying tundra, and the dreadful desert. Throughout her travels she encounters and must fight monsters like giant snakes, lizard men, swarms of poisonous insects and, of course, dragons. She must also solve puzzles like getting out of a maze in the mysterious mountains and moving the boulder which blocks her entry into the creepy caves.

However, even after travelling through all those areas, she only manages to find one wand (in the terrible tower which lies deep in the gruesome gorge). She returns home to find that the disease has gotten worse and more people are dying. She brings the wand to her master in hopes that he will be able to do something. As it turns out, her master is an evil magic wizard and the mastermind behind the disease plaguing the kingdom. It also turns out that the second wand was in the wizards possession and he was using its powers to poison the kingdom.

With both wands in hand, the wizard fights his “apprentice” and the two engage in epic combat. Seemingly defeated, the servant must draw on the one thing she had used to get her through her travels throughout the far away land, the power of hope. With the power of hope, she is able to defeat the evil wizard and restore peace to her kingdom. She is crowned the new ruler of her kingdom and ushers in a new age of peace and prosperity.

THE END